X

What Is Love To Me as a Black Man

20140205-202302.jpg

Many people dream of being in love with someone. They dream of what their life will be like when they’re dating, engaged and then finally married. Society has watched movies of women who were down and out all of a sudden find her prince charming. The world has seen men who were discarded in their teens as geeks only to find that he’s grown up into a strong, muscular and rich man with hundreds of girls falling over him. In real life I doubt any of that is true, at least not for me. For me love has been a tremendous let down.

It all started when I was in middle school. I would watch the kids fall in and out of silly romances one day and back into another the next the day. I saw how much drama it caused and although I had a couple of girls, I hated the drama so I let it all go. In high school, I wanted to be with someone, but because I didn’t want to deal with the controversies associated with dating, I just didn’t. I guess I was different from my peers and that difference made me feel like a misfit. I felt as if I was unfit for love. I also didn’t want to follow in my biological dad’s footsteps and get anyone pregnant. I found out it was an accident when he had my siblings and I. We came into his life before he was ready for kids.

To prevent all of that from happening to me, I distanced myself from people, especially women. I began to believe that love wasn’t for me and I eventually didn’t want any part of love. I stopped thinking about love, I distanced my heart from it too.

As I grew older, you would think my view on love has changed, but I’m not sure about that. To me, love is still something I don’t really think about often. Part of me still feels like I’m a reject or a misfit, someone who just doesn’t find love and is unfit for it. As an adult I can look back and find my cause for a lack of intimacy.  However, I still believe the concept of love would be the reason for drama to surface in my life. I believe it to be something that would turn me into the one thing I would hate to be. Although I’m conflicted with that statement, I lean on it as truth. Better yet, I know it’s true. Then again, I know that love is the very thing that would take me up to a level in manhood that I can’t reach when I’m single. Some of the best men I know in life, have better women by their sides.

Though those things are a desire of mine, I just don’t see how love in that sense could be applied to me. My experiences with love has proven me right. Yes, I’ve been in love before. I thought it was amazing while I was in it. Then, it felt like a spine ripping when she left me or when I had to leave her. My longest relationship was only three months. That’s not a long time at all which makes me feel like relationships in general are a waste of time. I can do without them and save myself money and heartache.

So what’s my outlook on love? I guess the real question is, “How do I change my philosophy on love,” because at this point, it could never truly happen until that changes.

Categories: Relationships